When I was younger, I was a proud tomboy. My boyish frame and the masculine way I carried myself aided in my camouflage. But as I became a teenager, I was struck by puberty. Suddenly, I noticed not only did my body change, but the way people perceived it and spoke about it, especially older boys and men, changed as well. It made me feel uncomfortable. If my body was my home, I could now not just live in it, I had to use my clothing as a security system.

Growing up distanced from femininity and conventional standards of beauty gave me a limited (and misguided) understanding of what femininity was and what it meant to walk around femme presenting. From the outside, femininity to me was about being ‘pretty’ and having other people recognize it in a positive way. Femininity and conventional beauty were a benefit, something to be coveted. It was good attention, and it was always wanted and deserved. For all people knew of my tomboy self I didn’t care about such things, but deep down, I began to tie my negative personal esteem as a girl to my masculinity.

I thought femininity would be a saving grace, but I didn’t have the courage to abandon the safety of non-recognition I found in masculinity.